Book Review

A Father’s Betrayal
Reviewed by, Susan Colin Opheim, Dane Co. SOS Support Group Facilitator, October 1997– Original Article Written By, Roxanne Roberts

This story (published in the June, 1997 ‘Good Housekeeping’ magazine) starts out with the sad details of a young woman’s expereince with suicide, and goes on to describe how she is still “cleaning up” on the 21st anniversary of her father’s death.

Roxanne Roberts, the author, talks about her family’s life together, her father’s depression, and her efforts to live a normal life. She also talks about the grief process for survivors and how she feels it is more complicated, more intense, and longer lasting than other deaths. In her opinion, survivors will receive less support and more blame from others, and there are people who will never get over it.

Roxanne identifies some of the legacies of suicide as being: guilt, anger, doubt, blame, fear, rejection, abandonment and profound grief. She feels most people don’t want to talk about it and may not even want to think about it. It is too “raw and confusing.”

Shortly after her father died, Roxanne recalls thinking, “I wonder how I’ll feel about this in 20 years.” It seemed like a lifetime away. “Would I think about it much? Would I still feel angry, guilty, sad?” Two decades later, she can now say: “Yes I remember his suicide. No, I don’t think about it often, I don’t feel angry or guilty. But no - time does not heal all wounds.”

Roxanne believes her father’s suicide is simply a part of her. She asks readers to think of life as a can of white paint. “Each significant experience adds a tiny drop of color: pink for a birthday, yellow for a good report card, worries are brown, setbacks gray. Over time, a color begins to emerge – your personality.”

When a suicide happens in one’s life, it is like someone “hurls in a huge glob of red.” You can’t get it out. You can’t start over. The red will always be there, no matter how many drops of yellow you add. It “colors” the memories that came before it. It “shades” all the choices that follow. “It will always be there.”
In the article, Roxanne describes the evening of her father’s suicide and his erratic behavior. She reflects on some of the choices they made that night, “some were smart, some crazy.” It never occurred to them to get help – the police, a hotline. Part of it was the natural tendency to keep family things private. Part of it could have been arrogance, believing they knew how to “handle” their father. And part of it may have been their fear that the situation would escalate.

“Whatever they did, or didn’t do, second guessing is the devil’s game. However, a game that is like an inevitable, inescapable refrain – a bad song you can’t get out of you mind. …what if, what if, what if.

At some point you simply give up. You could have done everything differently, you could have done nothing differently. You finally let it rest or you go crazy.”

Roxanne writes about suicide as being both a desperate act and a hostile act. In her opinion, it begets more hostility. It gives survivors the perfect opportunity to express all their feelings about each other - good and bad. Years of petty resentments and unmentioned snubs, now grab center stage. “Something or somebody drove her father to take his life. This is where the blame usually begins. It doesn’t have to make sense. Often times there is no hard fast data - just a feeling or hunch. But it had to be somebody’s fault. Anybody but the person who committed suicide.”

In looking at how we approach death, Roxanne writes, “death makes most of us stupid. We either say the wrong thing, or we don’t say anything at all. Suicide is worse. And sometimes it makes people cruel.” After the funeral, her family was simply abandoned by her father’s family. Can you imagine the loss of support of family at a time like this? Later, Roxanne realized she and her mother were blamed by the extended family for her father’s death.

Roxanne’s initial reaction to the suicide was to read every book about suicide that she could. She needed to make sense out of an irrational act. To this day she cannot bear the idea of a gun in her house. As time went on, she came to understand that her father was angry, selfish, and self pitying. But most of all, he was without hope and in desperate pain. She did not fault him for his depression, but she did fault him for refusing to get help. She believes he never really intended to hurt his family. “His life was filled with errors in judgement and this was his final one. A permanent mistake he could never correct.”

In the article, Roxanne also writes about how she stumbled through her 20’s, met a terrific man, and became a journalist – primarily because she believes the mission is, ultimately, the truth. She shares her trip to the cemetery with her son who is a month old and reflects on how much her father has missed and how much more he will miss.
Roxanne feels a lot of wonderful things have happened in the years since her father’s death. Hundreds of shimmering droplets have been added to the mix of her life. When she stirs the paint now, it is a soft dusky rose. “A grown-up color, with a touch of sweetness, and a touch of melancholy.”

In this review I’ve tried to condense the story of Roxanne Roberts, the author of, A Father’s Betrayal. If you take the time to locate this article, you will also read about Roxanne’s mother’s role in the family, and the brother’s ‘story’ as well.

In hearing the stories of people who come into the Dane County SOS Support Group, I’m convinced there are many lessons and similarities as we tell our stories. Roxanne Roberts gives us a unique perspective in that she has a great way of painting a picture of her feelings and thoughts, and how they relate to the death of her father. Thank you Roxanne for sharing with us and giving us an opportunity to experience your lessons as you tell your story.

SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.