Book Report

Before Their Time, Adult Children's Experiences of Parental Suicide
Edited by: Mary Stimming and Maureen Stimmin –– Reviewed by: Lynn Goldade, SOS Newsletter Volunteer

“Will I ever laugh again? Will I ever enjoy life? Survivors feel isolated from the world around them. Most people do not understand what it means to lose someone to suicide” – quotes by Rev. Charles T. Rubey (book’s forward).

“Before Their Time…” is a collection of essays from adult children (ages 19 to 36 years) whose parents completed suicide. These accounts look at loss, grief and resolution of the common, and not-so-common, difficulties associated with being both an adult and someone’s “child.” There are essays are on mothers written by sons and daughters, on fathers written by sons, as well as perspectives on common loss, research and resources. There are many nuggets of helpful advice, knowledge and ideas in these essays. Seeing that others feel as we do, is reassuring and reaffirming.
Some accounts address reoccurring themes for adult children – fear of future losses from suicides; feelings of abandonment (especially daughters who lose mothers to suicide); and the fact that many men do not alter their personal or professional standing (this is a coping skill) whereas many women find their grief puts tremendous strain on their marriages and careers. Other writings offer options that are available when the initial sympathy dries up. Some focus on the value of survivors support groups, for as one writer states, “it would have been too burdensome to make my wife my sole support system.” In addition, there are many fine references for further readings, along with a directory of support groups.

It's striking to read how some of the writers have come to terms in the understanding of their parent's choice or decision. One daughter writes, “My life has re-formed around the world of your death like a tree growing over barbed wire.” It’s also striking to read accounts such as “Old at Heart” – an essay written by a 23 year old daughter which struck me so close. This daughter feels oddly expert at death, grieving, coffins and funeral arrangements, insurance and mutual funds, and elder care – stuff OLD people should know. Many young adult survivors will probably identify with this essay.

My baby nephew, and later my new niece, helped me understand the following –“Eventually we have to leave the dead behind. There is nothing else we can do, because the living need us more.” I suspect we never do “leave them behind” however. We can put the worst pain and suffering behind with much time and effort. They, and what happened, will forever keep a place in our hearts and souls.

SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.