HEALING

– Jeanne Griffith, a survivor who lost her son in 1985.- January 1998

On October 17 and 18, 1997, Seattle hosted “Healing After Suicide--I Don’t Have to Whisper Anymore,” a meeting for survivors sponsored by the American Association of Suicidology. The meeting was planned by the Crisis Clinic of Seattle/King County with the participation of many survivors from that area.

As I considered attendance, the question addressed to myself was why was I going to a meeting for survivors twelve years after the loss of our son, after having worked hard over many years (successfully, I thought) to deal with the overwhelming feelings of grief, guilt, and anger which followed his death.

Well, I told myself, since you are already on the West Coast to visit friends and enjoy a week on the beautiful Oregon beaches, why not? Perhaps you can share some of what you have learned–and isn’t that what survivors groups are about?

A few insights from this two-day meeting stick in my mind. The first speaker, a therapist, helped validate
my attendance as he told his story, now 15 years since the suicide of his young brother. At one point he stopped briefly as he was overcome by the emotions of the retelling. His presentation said to me that it is okay to have strong feelings–even after all these years–about the loss of someone loved and it was okay to retell the story.

The reminder that each of us needs to tell our story recalled for me one of the most critical points of my own journey as a survivor. Eighteen months after the loss of our son, a kind and patient therapist said to me at our first session: “Tell me about Steven.” Two and a half hours later I finally came to the end of that first telling, (from beginning to end), of the story of his life and death. I have always been grateful for that evening. I took a big step toward surviving.

The need to tell, and sometimes retell, was a recurring message throughout the meeting. Identification badges at the meeting had colored hearts attached which indicated the specific loss. When I saw a red heart I knew that was someone like me that had lost a child. Other colors indicated a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend. It made “telling” easier.

A second insight gained was that the process of resolving grief is not one continual movement forward. The steps through the pain, denial, guilt, acceptance, etc., are not an obstacle course to be conquered once and done with. The process is often cyclical. We go through the process repeatedly–hopefully more quickly and with less pain on subsequent journeys through the cycle. We need to be aware that old painful feelings reoccur.

Carla Fine, author of “No Time to Say Goodbye,” was a speaker both days of the conference and in sharing her story made a third point I remember. After the death of her husband, she had participated in a survivors group in Manhattan where she lives. The group often tried to reassure individuals as they spoke of their feelings of guilt – reassuring them that the deceased, not they, were the ones responsible for these tragic deaths.

Carla’s story was about the suicide of her husband of many years, a successful surgeon, a writer of many professional papers, a professor at a prestigious medical school. His death was totally unanticipated. Why had she believed him when he said his depression was just the expected aftermath of his parents’ recent deaths? What should she have done differently? Why did the police question her as if she might have been responsible for his death?
On one occasion while she found herself trying to reassure others that they were not responsible, it struck her that then it followed that she, too, did not have to bear the blame for her husband’s death. We need to extend the same reassurance and compassion we offer to others to ourselves as well.

Those responsible for planning the meeting demonstrated repeatedly the importance of rituals in the healing process for survivors. A “Healing Space” was a room set aside for private time, for moments of retreat, for memories. That this was a place of memories became immediately apparent as on one wall was a large hanging where individuals were invited to add memorial notes or a picture of a loved one lost to the many already in place. Note-sized paper and pins were provided. It was noted that these pictures and memorial notes would be used later in the educational outreach of the Crisis Clinic in their efforts to prevent suicides.

An alternative memorial was offered in the Healing Space. A note could be left on a table covered with evergreens knowing that the greens and those notes would be burned after the meetings. Other rituals were introduced throughout the various sessions.

Small group meetings were included each day covering topics such as: Finding Inner Peace; Children & Grief, Understanding Sibling Grief; Myths &Facts About Suicide; Looking for Answers, Living Without Them; Effects of Suicide on the Family. The two days were intense. However, an atmosphere of openness, empathy, friendliness, reassurance, and learning enhanced healing for many who were coping with recent deaths and for others, like myself, who sometimes still cycle through some of those stages of grief.

The “Total Experience Gospel Choir” sang with great feeling at the evening banquet and provided a fitting end to the second day. Everyone joined them in their finale: “Amazing Grace.”