How To Assist Survivors of Suicide

– Handout used in the Dane County SOS Support Group - author is unknown. January 1997

Suicide survivors cope because they have to. One way or another they survive this tragedy. Survivors lives are permanently changed by a suicide. They will never be the same, rather they will find a “new self” as they rebuild their lives and work through this transition. Keep in mind that in most cases of suicide, the member of the survivor’s family “has been very ill, and now has died.” Grief produces a huge emotional wounds that hurts terribly at first, and from time to time throughout the survivor’s life. Sensitivity to this grief by friends is what the following suggestions are aimed at.

GET THE NAMES AND NUMBER OF OTHERS AT THE SCENE if you are one of the first to arrive. The family may want to speak to them later. Observe details for them.

BRING COMFORT ITEMS to the survivor and his/her family. Gifts of food, reading material, and household necessities assist those in grief by freeing them from obtaining those items.

BRING A JOURNAL for the survivor to write in. In times of grief, a notebook to record one’s feelings is a good way to work through the devastation of the moment.

PHYSICALLY TOUCH or hug the survivor. It helps overcome feelings of detachment.

ENCOURAGE THEM TO MAKE DECISIONS AS A FAMILY. Many critical decisions must be made quickly, see that they have time to discuss these decisions without outside pressure.

BE AVAILABLE TO ASSIST THEM with child care, errands, housework, phone answering and other needed trips from the home. Keep records of visitors, gifts, and phone calls. Keep the mail straight and keep track of bills and legal documents that may arrive.

OFFER TO CALL those who need to be notified. Clarify what information they want shared.

KEEP TRACK OF MEDICATIONS the survivors are taking. Help them use them on time and in right proportions. Keep a log of who has taken what and when.

EXPECT THEY WILL TIRE EASILY. Grief is hard work, encourage rest times frequently.

EXPRESS SYMPATHY to and with the survivors. Attend memorial services and funeral. Avoid using cliches. Saying “I’m sorry, what can I do to help” is just fine. Don’t say. “I know how you feel,” unless you have experienced a similar tragedy. You don’t know how they feel!

ENCOURAGE THE SURVIVOR TO TALK ABOUT THE LOVED ONE. Don’t avoid the subject of suicide or the deceased. Take your lead from the survivor, but know that they will need to talk through their grief. Most of the time they are not looking for advice, they just need to talk!

RECALL YOUR HAPPY MEMORIES of the deceased, and share them with the survivor. Encourage them to do the same. Bring photos or mementos you may have of the deceased.

GIVE THEM SOME PRIVATE TIME. Be there, but don’t smother the survivor.

GIVE SPECIAL TIME TO OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. At the funeral and in the months to come, children can sometimes feel on the outside. Be sure to assist them in their grief too.

REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES, holiday, and other “sensitive” days. These are difficult for the survivors for years to come. A card or a call will help the lingering hurt.

SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.