Book Report

Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven?
Surviving The Loss Of A Sibling

Author: Michelle Linn-Gust. M.S. –– Reviewed by: Susan Conlin Opheim, SOS Support Group Volunteer Faciliator-January 2002

”Michelle Linn-Gust takes the reader through the personal experience of losing her younger sister Denise Linn and weaves in the available research for sibling survivors. Michelle also journeys sibling loss through the life span. Michelle explains suicide, the grief process, and how sibling death impacts the brothers and sisters left behind. She adds practical advice for how sibling suicide survivors can help themselves. Included are resource pages filled with helpful places for sibling survivors to search for specific information.” (quote from silbingsurvivors.com).

I have to admit, I read this book the first time looking for “her story.” Since I don't have sisters I initially found only some of the information useful. In reading the book the second time, I found the book to be filled with good information, especially on many of the feelings and emotions that people experience when they go through the loss of someone to suicide. Michelle Linn-Gust not only reported on her own personal feelings, but she researched and talked with other survivors to make this a helpful book, not only to siblings, but to all survivors of suicide.

Ms. Linn-Gust does a thorough job talking about the difficulties people can experience being a sibling survivor. In the complex grieving process that occurs after a suicide, it is helpful to understand that there are other siblings exper- iencing some of the same feelings that you are.

What is so great about this book is the research and resources about grieving and suicide that are interspersed in the story. Ms. Linn-Gust gives many useful suggestions on helping survivors of suicide. Most importantly, she talks about how we can take care of ourselves. Sometimes it takes another survivor, who has been there, to remind us that we are the only ones that can take care of us.

Please Note: The following is a summary of sibling grief from the website (silbingsurvivors.com).

Sibling survivors are often called the forgotten mourners. When a sibling dies, those siblings left behind, no matter their ages, are considered secondary mourners to the parents and/or if the sibling who died had a spouse and children. For those siblings still living at home, they will "lose" their parents for some time as the parents grieve the
death of the deceased child. Parents can become so engrossed in their grief that they forget their living children still need reassurance they are loved and wanted. Because of the suicide, the surviving siblings' roles in the family are altered. They might feel the need to parent their parents or protect them from anything else bad happening. The opposite could also happen where the parents try to shield the living children, afraid of losing them, too.

People forget the importance of siblings in our lives. Listed below are some characteristics of the sibling bond: It's the longest relationship we'll have in our lives. We are typically only a few years apart when one is born and we become aware of each other. We usually know them longer than our parents, spouses, and children. We witness more life events and life changes with our siblings than anyone else.

We share a sense of genetics, sense of family, belonging, and culture. They teach us how to function in society and communicate with others.

The time spent together in our early years is greater than with our parents.

It's estimated that 80 percent of children in the United States and Europe grow up with siblings. By approximating 1.85 children in each U.S. Household (using U.S. Census statistics) and 31,000 suicides (per year), then 24,800 people become sibling survivors of suicide yearly. That means, in the past 25 years, at least 620,000 Americans became sibling survivors of suicide.

Through the life span, losing our sibling to suicide sets up complicated grief. As suicide grief is already difficult, adding in the factors relating to sibling loss reminds us of the uniqueness of the sibling bond.

Typically, siblings will carry this loss through a large portion of life. We will want a way to memorialize our sibling. No one ever gets over a death, it becomes a part of us and we take it with us throughout life. Some ways we can remember our siblings include involvement in the Lifekeeper Faces of Suicide quilts, writing about our loved one, or getting involved with suicide prevention. There are many possibilities and each of us will come up with what we want to do when we are ready.

SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.