On Caring for Survivors of Suicide Vicki Westrich – SOS/Emergency Services, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc. April 1997 Survivor of Suicide group participants often report feeling relieved at having a neutral place to talk about experiences after their personal loss. The SOS group provides a unique type of support in that, at any one time, there is very likely to be someone in the group who shares a similar experience, understands what the survivor is struggling with, and is often able to offer suggestions on how to cope. A topic survivors frequently
bring to the group is the disappointment and hurt they feel because of
someone else’s words or actions, or lack of words and actions. Depending
on the circumstance, reactions to the act of suicide may range from compassion
and understanding to extreme discomfort, awkwardness or negative comments.
Although some people may indeed be avoiding or condemning the survivor, not all who respond with silence or distance are passing judgement. Many people genuinely care, yet they may not say anything because they believe doing so might add to the upset, or they simply don’t know what to say. What should you do when someone you know has lost a loved one to suicide? What might you say? When someone you know loses a loved one to suicide you need to give him/her enough room to grieve, but not so much room that he/she feels abandoned or shunned. If you withdraw, for whatever reason, your absence will be noticed. Such distance may not be easily forgiven or forgotten. However you do it (by phone, in a letter, or in person) convey that you care and that it’s OK to talk about the suicide. Constructive support means reaching out in a genuine manner and letting the grief-stricken person know that you care and can be counted on for support. Phrases such as – “I heard about your loss.” “I’m so sorry.” “This must be terrible for you.” “How are you doing?” “I’m here when you need me.” “I’ll be in contact with you.” – are most comforting. Keep in mind that the person who is grieving a suicide death will very likely need more support over a longer period of time than someone who has lost a loved one from natural causes. Although a survivor of a suicide will experience similar grief reactions as those associated with other types of loss, (feelings of shock, denial, helplessness, anger, guilt, etc.), the grief reactions to a suicide are often exaggerated. This is primarily due to the violence, suddenness of the trauma, and social stigma attached to the act of suicide. Compassion, acceptance, and understanding are key elements in caring. A nice way to give your attention, time, and sincere encouragement is to simply ask, “How are you doing?” and then be ‘present’ with the person. Your time and willingness to listen are gifts. While there are no hard and
fast rules about what you should say to someone dealing with a loss by
suicide, SOS group participants have identified some reactions which are
generally not helpful. Didn’t you see it coming? – Most likely the survivor already feels guilty and doesn’t need anyone implying they weren’t paying attention. Why? – This question is often the forever looming question which has no adequate or complete answer. Asking it merely accentuates that fact. It was God’s will. – Even if one is religiously or spiritually focused, this is not likely a comforting statement and may be responded to angrily. Suicide is sinful. Your loved one will suffer in the afterlife. – If you sincerely believe this, keep this belief to yourself. Expressing such sentiments can hurt the relationship and distance the one you mean to support. At least he/she is out of pain. – Unless you truly know how the survivor views the death or you are touched personally by the suicide, it is best not to share your opinions – just listen to the survivor’s story and how he/she experiences the loss. I know how you feel. – While it may be true that you do know how it feels to lose a loved one, unless you have personally lost a relationship through suicide you cannot genuinely know what a survivor is experience or feeling. No one is immune to suicide, but most people have little or no experience with this type of loss until they are faced with the business of coping. If you have had experience dealing with suicidal behavior, or you personally KNOW the difficulties of surviving a suicide death, sharing your survivor experience can be mutually beneficial. Survivors report they do benefit from the unique support provided by the listening, sharing, and caring of other survivors. However, the immediate and on-going concern from non-survivors is extremely important as well. It’s time to get over it. You’ve been sad for long enough. – While you may have concerns about the length or intensity of grief, keep in mind that survivors need privacy and time alone. Saying anything that suggests that the survivor is abnormal, unreasonable, or expressing any other negative judgements are generally not helpful. Survivors do sometimes withdraw, become socially isolated, and/or show signs of depressive symptoms. If you are concerned about this, convey your concern in a gentle, encouraging tone perhaps to both the survivor and others involved. Suggest or facilitate additional support or counsel if you think this is necessary. Don’t hesitate to consult with a mental health professional yourself. It is possible the survivor may need individual counseling or help beyond what you and other natural supports can provide. Finally – If you offer a survivor your time and concern and it is not readily accepted, don’t take it personally. Let the survivor know you will be in contact a little later … and then do so.
SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.
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