PERMIT ME

As of this writing, some sixteen months have passed since my only brother, with whom I was close and shared many things, lost his long and sad battle with depression. He took his own life alone in his apartment, and since that day life has changed in more ways than I could possibly have anticipated. I have come to know shock and deep sadness as well as a lingering disbelief. But since his death by suicide, I have also begun a slow journey toward healing in my heart. Del’s death has changed me forever, as the suicide of a loved one changes the lives of all who are left behind.

I cannot change many things in life, one of which is the suicide of my dear brother. As a writer and poet, I have found that since his death, writing poetry has allowed me to talk about what has happened to me and to express the deep and seemingly indescribable pain that losing a loved one to suicide has brought into my life. I found that when I tried to describe to others how I felt about my brother’s death, I was not always able to put all of it into words. In writing poetry, somehow I found those words, some of which are here in this poem, “Permit Me”, which I wrote and read at my brother’s funeral service. I hope these words bring some peace to you the reader and you, too, find your way in healing and learning to live a new life.

– by Greg Converse

Permit me if you will, if I don’t join the fun
And don’t play just now
While you drive your drive
And live your live
Take your vacation
Marry your love
Birth your babe
I don’t want to play just now
I’ve something in my eye
It’s a tear
I’ve just lost my big brother
He was just here
Let me tell you about him if you will
He had just come back
He was gone awhile
He had just come back and so had I
He told me that he loved me
And you know? I know he did
After so many years
He came back to see me one more time
Go and do your work
Write your report
And play your play
I don’t want to play just now
I will again, but you go on without me for now
For now just do without me a moment, won’t you?
While I take my break
But you, you go and construct your bridge
And put in your bid
And feed your dog and bake your cake
I need to pause and think and cry
Permit me a moment
I don’t want to play just now
I need to find out and manage and remember
To understand something I cannot just yet
And find my way with my family
We don’t want to play just now
My big brother is gone in too quick a time
So permit me if you will to take a moment and breathe and sigh and cry
I don’t want you to see me like this right now
I want to pound my fist like a little boy
Because I can’t have my way just now
And stamp my feet and shake my hand
And demand
I want my big brother back, now!
He was always my big brother, my hero
And he still is as he always will be
But I don’t want to play just now
Because I miss his laugh, his love, his eye, his big heart
Big and tough on the outside; soft and warm on the inside
I’ve been here and there and met a lot of folk
In places far, far from here, both hot and cold
And I have never met another quite like him
No not quite like him, no not even close to come to think of it as I sit here and gaze
No, go on, it’s OK, I’m all right
I don’t’ want to play just now if you don’t mind
I’m thinking of his call, his joke, his hug, his voice
I don’t want to play just now
This inside ache starting from my heart and going right down into my gut right here
Is making me pause and stop and rest and see that
I miss my big brother
I’m too busy to play just now
I’m listening to his voice
I’m hearing his laughter covering up his tears
I’m too sad to play just now
I reached out my hand just now when he got back
But it wasn’t far enough
I wanted to stretch my fingers out just a little bit more and hold on to him
And pull him on to my side to stay forever right here
For another big brother hug, another joke, to feel his big brother arm around me, to rub my head and teach me more than he already had over the years
You know something I’ve learned? Do you wanna know?
Come closer, I’ll tell you something I’ve discovered, it’s a secret so don’t tell anyone
Shhhhh, be quiet for just a moment and I’ll tell you how it is
When I close my eyes I can snap my fingers and he’s back here alive again
Don’t you wish you could do that?
Bring him here again
Standing and joking and loving right before me
But I open my eyes and see that it doesn’t work that way
So excuse me if you will, you do your thing, go on, and go ahead, I’ll be right here
But for now, just permit me a moment if you will
This will take not too long, but for now just now
I don’t want to play just now.

–SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.

April 26, 2002- Reprints by permission of author only.