Take Your Time

– Lynn Z. Goldade- SOS Newsletter Volunteer-Jaunary 1998

This issue of the SOS newsletter follows the holiday season and our theme is compassion, especially for yourself. I missed our last meeting to discuss the newsletter articles, but I’d been thinking about writing something myself to fit in with the theme. So here it goes. This is not a list of how to’s, nor what to do’s, nor am I any kind of authority. It’s just from my heart. I know how hard it is to “survive,” especially around the holidays.

Does it seem sometimes like it’s taking too long to get on with life? Do you worry that people expect you to “get over it” and move on? Did you feel crushed by the holiday shopping, crowds, noise, and then confused by all the STUFF that needed to be done? What’s on sale, what’s the best gift, where should you go? Were the “joyous” holidays depressing?

Don’t feel alone. This is an overwhelming time in your life. You are “surviving.” Your nerves are frayed and exposed. It seems to take forever to make decisions and once you do, you second-guess each and every one of them. Sometimes all of this goes away and life seems almost “normal” again. Sometimes the overwhelming-ness reoccurs, catching you off-guard, unexpected. And the holidays can intensify the stress that is already existing in your life.

It takes a long time to “get over” a suicide, or for that matter any sudden death of a loved one. But as we all know, and try to remind others, death by suicide is a “different” kind of loss. That is not to say we survivors are weird, just that our grief is a bit different. I want to tell you that it’s OK, to be different, to take what may seems like an awfully long time to “get over it.”

Some of us may never really get over it. “It” just finds a place in our heart, and we learn to live with the loss – adjusting life around the hole in our heart it has made. Some of us do move on and seem to get over it, which is OK too. And some of us just look like we’re over it. However, none of us forget.

After nearly seven years, which seems like an eternity without Tony (my husband) and thirteen years without Scott (my stepson), I’m still not over it. Most of the time it looks like I am. And life feels like I am. I do go on. Sometimes it’s mostly for others who depend on me. Regardless of why I go on, the point is to find a reason to do so. It gives something to hang on to when you feel the worst and while you’re waiting for life to happen more or less as usual. I find the time I need to take out for sadness becomes more manageable, as the years pass.

Don’t think that because you slip, get lost in a memory, or start rehashing things after some long period of time, that it’s bad. The suicide, or the way things happened, may not be resolved in you’re mind. So your thoughts go back, sometimes again and again until you find some resolution. Remember, resolutions may be only temporary. But any resolution will help, even if you make them up. My resolution is – that I will never know for sure. I’ll never have the answer for “WHY.”

Most of us can only guess at the reason someone commits suicide. Even if we were told in notes or conversations before the suicide, I wouldn’t bet the reason given was the ultimate reason(s). So many things factor into any person’s life-changing decisions. And who imagines that anyone in the time before committing suicide is thinking clearly enough to state the absolute only reason for their choice? Who knows what physical troubles or chemical imbalances may have been affecting their thinking. If you want to, try my resolution. Try living for a while with the decision that you might not get the final answer. Hopefully some peace may be found in your heart.

As you are coming out of this hectic holiday season, don’t worry if people seem to move too fast for you. Society at-large moves too fast for most people. It’s OK to slow down and to request that others are considerate of this for a while (or perhaps for a very long time). I still request consideration after many years and people who genuinely care about me allow me to have the things that help. For me it’s time, quiet, and a slower pace. Others in my life who insist on speed, noise, and confusion just have to get along without me. I take my time (even if some business I should take care of gets postponed for awhile) and believe my life is better for this. My niece and nephew appreciate that I have time for them and I’ve just recently remarried. My husband and I share the belief in slowing down, in less STUFF, and in more quality. This works for me.

Grief is hard, horribly sad, and time consuming. But it’s a necessary step in coping. Take your time. Cope your own way. Find that reason to go on. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself doing something for someone you least expected. You might make a difference in their life and it may even change yours. Perhaps then you’ll find your reason.

SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.