The Grief of Suicide: Why is our Grief Different

The following material is reprinted from a handout utilized by the Dane Co. SOS group. It was compiled from several sources we can no longer identify specifically, but we find it useful and wish to share it with you.- April 1995

Suicide is a violent and sudden trauma to the survivor. We are suffering in three ways that strongly affect our healing.

• We are grieving for the death of a loved one.
• We are suffering from a violent traumatic experience.
• There is a social stigma about suicide, and we are not encouraged to talk about it freely.

Following a suicide, the survivors experience similar grief emotions as with the loss of any loved one.

SHOCK
"This can't be happening to me."

DENIAL
"It really didn't happen."

HELPLESSNESS
"How can I go on with my life?"

ANGER
"Why me, why now, why this way?"

GUILT
"What did I do wrong?"

With a suicide, many of the normal grief feelings are exaggerated. Other feelings may arise that are not as customary. The list below will help you understand what some of these feelings are. These experiences may occur for prolonged periods of time.

ANGER
The suicide survivor has been left behind by someone who chose to do so. This is the ultimate rejection. No matter how much we loved this person, our love was not enough to keep them alive. They chose a permanent solution to what we saw as a temporary problem. Sleep disturbances may fuel our turmoil. Anger turned inwards becomes illness.

GUILT
The suicide survivor feels an exaggerated sense of guilt. We look over the last days and weeks for "signs" that may have enabled us to intervene. We feel we have failed to prevent this tragedy. We may even feel guilty about surviving

BLAME
Suicide survivors are often in a panic mode. We are faced with hundreds of questions, and no answers. We will look for people, care givers, events, or medications to assume some of the responsibility for this tragedy. We are confused and blame seems to focus our anger.

SHAME
Historically there has always been a stigma ("sin") attached to suicide. We may try to cover up or deny that this was a suicide. We may refuse to have a funeral or may "bury our feelings" along with the deceased. Trying to detach ourselves from the situation and our feelings, we may even refuse to grieve. We are ashamed.

RELIEF (sometimes)
If we have lived with the deceased, and have seen manifestations of their pain and struggle, or have had experience with previous attempts, we may feel relief. However, this relief feels wrong and leads us to more self anger and guilt.

ANXIETY
We may have symptoms associated with post traumatic stress syndrome. We may become irrationally afraid of the future – fearful of "what else could happen to us." We often find our memory, concentration, and ability to read and converse impaired. We may have increased phobias and fears that seem irrational to others.

DEATH WISH
Some suicide survivors find themselves thinking about ending their own lives. We erroneously see it as a solution to end our own pain (as demonstrated by our loved one). We may also have a strong desire to be reunited with the deceased seeking answers to the questions we must live with, i.e. – "Why did they take their own life?" We will need to redefine our own reasons to live.

SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.