The Value Of Support – Terri Pellitteri, SOS Newsletter Editor. January 1997 On this 2nd Anniversary of the SOS newsletter I want to share what ‘survivors’ wrote to me when I asked them to comment on – the purpose and value of a support group. But before I do this, I want to make a few comments about my experience as editor of this newsletter. In agreeing to help with this publication, I thought I would simply be lending my editing and layout experience to an ‘informative’ newsletter effort. I did not anticipate being so touched by a group of volunteers, or that I was going to learn so much from their collective experiences. The group of women who consult to this newsletter are very direct and clear about what they think survivors need to hear (or don’t need to hear) through this publication, and are not shy about letting those of us who have not personally survived a loss through suicide know this. They are able to reach back to the various stages of their own journey, and can remember what was useful, or perhaps I should say, what was essential to their recovery. These volunteers are also
well aware there is no ‘right’ way to survive this type of
loss (what works best for one person, or family, might not hold true for
another), and they are often diverse in their thinking. However, all of
them have something in common – their tenacity. Probably the single
most important message I’ve gotten from this group is that ‘survivors’
themselves frequently hold the answers, they just need the support of
others to find this out. I would also like to thank the many current and past support group participants who took the time to respond to my questions over what might have been a busy, and perhaps painful, holiday season. My initial intentions were to write an article about the purpose of a SOS support group and I had planned to summarize the feedback in a fairly collective way. However, as I read the individual responses, I was struck by the candor people had put forth in their writing and decided to include many of the original quotes. I realize this adds length to the article and there is some repetition in the responses, but I think hearing directly from those who have experienced this kind of support is of great benefit. – Terri Pellitteri …LOOKING FOR In asking SOS Support Group participants what they were looking for when they first came to the group, many said they initially did not know. Others said they were looking for the answer to “why” this happened, or they wanted to know that what they were experiencing was normal. Most people wanted to feel they were not the only ones experiencing this kind of loss. And, they wanted some place to take their pain. • “I wanted to know I wasn’t the only one who was a survivor of a relative who committed suicide. I wanted to know how others were dealing with the situation and how to survive.” • “We didn’t initially know what to expect to find. We were “dragged” to SOS by our minister and the funeral home director ten days after the death of our 13 year old son. As time went on, we looked for peace, a sense of normalcy (to help us make sense of our un-normal life after loss), camaraderie, and a chance to tell our story over and over – thus purging ourselves of that need.” • “A place where we could discuss our feelings about our son’s suicide. We hoped to see how others coped with a loved one’s suicide and maybe use some of those coping skills ourselves. We wanted to see if some of the things were feeling were ‘normal’ or ‘okay’ and if others had had similar experiences.” • “A place to share my grief; to meet people who understood how I felt; to learn from others how to get through my loss. • “I was looking for some kind of answer for the “why” our eighteen year old son, Jonathan, who had so much going for him would end his life. He had too many dreams for the future to do this. We were devastated. I dragged myself to the SOS meetings, with the help of my sisters, to find a way to go on living. I needed to find some way to help myself so I could help my surviving children who were 13 & 16.” • “I wanted – hope that I could survive; anyone to listen to the horror and still accept me; to be able to talk without eliciting comments geared to shut me up. I wanted to let out some of the pain.” • “I needed other people who knew what my family had experienced and a place where I could easily and comfortably talk about my brother – without anyone looking uncomfortable or uneasy with the mention of his name and his suicide.” • “I didn’t know. I only knew I needed help with what I was going through.” • “… a place where others experiencing suicide issues could express themselves about how suicide had affected them. A place to feel comfortable talking about suicide.” • “Just a way to survive the unthinkable event of our son’s suicide.” …CHANGING GOALS Many SOS group participants, at some point in the process, change their initial goals or add others. Frequently people learn something about the healing process that they didn’t expect, and this can influence their goals. In addition, many people want to offer something ‘back’ to the group and frequently add this to their initial plan. What follows are some of the responses survivors gave me when I asked them if their initial goals changed during their involvement with the support group. • “The one thing we didn’t expect, but found later, was that we could tell our story and not shock anyone at the group. Everyone was in the same boat but still very sympathetic to one another. We ALWAYS left the support group very exhausted emotionally, but in retrospect, that was a healing exhaustion.” • “After some time of voicing my own feelings, I developed some goals to be supportive of other survivors. Also anniversaries prompted visits to the groups for support and to realize that others have the same dreaded days.” • “Because our son had suffered from mental illness for nine years, with many suicide attempts during that time, we were very involved with local mental health programs … and we were able to provide support and information to those whose suicides occurred “out of the blue.” We realized how lucky we were to be able to share our grief with each other, and with our friends who had been, and continue to be, so supportive to us.” • “… I gained information and education about suicide (books, tapes, newsletter), and after several years, the support group has become a place to reinvest what I’ve learned by sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others.” • “… I’ve found there are no easy answers to the “why” of suicide. I have come to believe that it wasn’t what Jonathan had or didn’t have, but how his thought patterns got confused and he wasn’t able to make healthy decisions because depression had taken over his thought patterns.” • “Eventually I wanted to offer hope to new members, or needy members. As I healed, I had more to offer this group as well as in other areas of my life.” • “As time went on, I saw that I could take a ‘give back’ role. I was inspired to attend meetings for those whose losses were more recent than mine.” • “We did get better and realized that with the group’s help, we gained strength. At the time of his death we could not see ahead to any bit of recovery.” …MET NEEDS Past and current group participants responded fairly specifically as to how the group helped them meet their individual needs. A common theme however, was the vital ‘support’ they received from the group. • “We saw that other families had survived and slowly came to believe we might too.” • “By going early, soon after our son’s death, we immediately faced all the stages of grief in general and faced the particular needs of survivors of suicide. We feel this helped us not to get ‘stuck’ in any one issue for an ‘unhealthy’ length of time. We could talk it out and move on faster than if we’d tried to face it alone. Also, by attending occasionally (after two or three years) we could see how far we’d progressed by empathizing with those who were dealing with a recent loss.” • “The group offered very helpful suggestions in dealing with our son’s grandparents who were out of state and unable to attend his funeral. …also, the group had helpful suggestions for dealing with relatives at my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary who had never acknowledged our son’s death. Hearing how others had handled and celebrated special occasions during the first year (like birthdays and holidays) was also helpful.” • “The group met the following needs: the things I was looking for (place to share grief, meet people who understood, learn how to get through this) and the things I picked up along the way (education, a place to reinvest what I had learned) – plus, the making of several close friends to share with outside the group (knowing, caring, sensitive, sharing people who have been there).” • “It’s a place where I can go to share whatever I’m feeling at the time with a group of people who will not judge you because you missed the signs of suicide – no matter how obvious the signs seem to us now (at the time we, who are thinking with a healthy mind, can’t imagine that our loved one is hinting about ending their life, as in ‘dead’). I’ve worked through a lot of “if onlys.” …slowly, through listening to others stories I’ve heard how their loved ones had what I thought might have saved Jonathan, but it didn’t save their loved ones. Again, it’s that the depression takes over their minds and gives them no rest ‘til it wins the battle of suicide.” • “It was always a safe and comforting place to be, a place to be inspired.” • “It helped me understand how people close to a suicide victim do love that person as much as I love my brother while at the same time acknowledging how uncomfortable other people are with suicide. It helped me cope with that reality of the uneasiness of others.” • “It helped me feel that I was not alone, not the only person going through a loss - especially since I live 1000 miles from my close family.” • “It keeps me in touch with the issue, the painfulness of it has made me aware of the secrets in our lives. It has helped me come out of the deep denial I was in.” • “The support group makes me feel more normal and I look at suicide as a choice someone (my son) made as a permanent solution to the symptoms of schizophrenia. The group gives me courage to speak openly about suicide without any blame for the victim or myself.” …PURPOSE & VALUE In asking survivors how they would explain to others the purpose or value of this particular kind of support group, people wrote about their ‘connection’ to the group. The support group helped them feel less alone. • “The group offers care, understanding, love, and support for anyone suffering from the loss of a loved one by suicide. There are no wrong or bad feelings about the suicide. There is not just one ‘right’ way to deal with death and grief. It is a place where you can express your feelings - no matter how negative. This group will support you, and by their personal experience with suicide, help you through your journey of grief.” • “… it’s the best ‘hands-on’ tool to hear real-life questions, answers, and advise…” • “…it helps us survive the devastating suicide of a loved one. You can hear how others handled similar situations and ask for input from others for your own personal circumstances. I remember asking if people could ever feel joy again. And now I’m happy to say I can feel it again. I still have an awful empty space in my heart, but joy has found a place too.” • “As with any distressing problem, groups offer a chance to hear how others handle similar problems. It connects people with something to be shared.” • “… it helps a person to think about the victim, grieve over the victim and empathize with others in the same position. It helps you to continue your life with a more peaceful acceptance and comfortable love for the victim rather than having to continue life with the stress of trying to keep it out of your mind.” • “To help someone feel like they are not alone. I always found someone in the group had something to say to me that was helpful – perhaps not that day, but in the course of recovery.” • “We don’t need to try to survive a suicide alone. Few others really understand or care how we feel! The group helps to keep the issues and feelings in perspective.” • “I’d explain SOS as a place where a survivors can express themselves, if they choose to do so. But if that’s not possible, people can take what may help them cope and leave the advice they don’t view as appropriate to their special situation.” • “I would encourage anyone to attend a survivor group as soon as they can after the death of their loved one. By spending this time together talking about the issues related to suicide, you can gain strength to face this terrible time – one day at a time. It helps to remember that you are not alone and to realize that any feeling you may be having, at any given time, is normal and worthy. One special benefit (of the Dane County S.O.S Support Group) is having experienced facilitators who can tell if a person needs professional help.” “…S.O.S. of Dane County is very blessed to have Jeanne Adams and Sue Opheim for facilitators. They’re incredible! Thanks, Jeanne and Sue – you’ve helped so many.”
SOS Newsletter Article, Mental Health Center of Dane County, Inc.
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